guilt candy
by keiris
Summary: Grabbing his wife's boobs as she slept was just apart of his job as husband. —natsu&lucy. crackfic.


**disclaimer: **no i don't own natsu's dick, and nor do i own fairy tail.  
**notes: **how in the shit, did i conjure up this nonsense?

ugh, _whatever_, just…don't ask.

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_guilt candy_

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You really couldn't blame him. He was a healthy, young adult, and married to the (as he argued) sexiest woman in Fairy Tail. And the fact that he was currently in the prime time of his manhood didn't really help either.

He just couldn't help it. Her boobs were so…_amazing_!

There was no other way to put it, in his books, but as the wind brushed through the curtains, allowing a flicker of moonlight to cascade across her lovely bust, his southern region twitched uncomfortably.

However, there was only one problem—his lovely wife, was sound asleep. And after the three years they had been married, there was one thing in his endless notebook of 'THINGS TO REALLY, REALLY NOT DO TO LUCE', it was to wake her.

He had found that out the hard way.

The thought made he protectively guard his man goodies and sweat dripped down his temple.

But…but, Lucy looked just so…so—so _ravishing_!

_Stupid dick, stay down you…dick._

He didn't know how else to put it.

Then, he felt an urge.

His hand, completely and utterly without his physical consent, rose up from his crotch and began stretching over to his sleeping maiden (but not so maiden, and more like demon when awoken).

_NO! _

His hand was oh so elegantly reaching over to grab her boob.

_ARE YOU INSANE!? YOU'LL KILL US BOTH! WELL, KINDA MORE JUST ME_—_you know, considering _you're _me…_

Great, now he was talking to his hand as though it was a freaking person.

Then all of a sudden, he felt a resolution, but not entirely so. As though he'd leaped into a garden of rubies, and sapphires, and emeralds, and all kinds of jewels…but also awoken the sleeping dragon guarding its treasure.

But oh wait.

Natsu peeked a sharp, deep-green eyes slightly open, flickering nervously across Lucy's _still sleeping _figure.

He sighed in utter relief, however shooting flaming arrows of anger at his hand, almost as though it was _laughing _at him.

The next thing he did was so not his fault, as he would argue.

His hand, being the devious little Lucy-booby-grabber that it was, decided it was just the _best _idea ever to gently squeeze he lovely mounds.

Natsu choked quietly on nothing before silently muttering a croaky "No".

He was on a battlefield, his life was at risk, and he had a boner. Not a very good combination.

With not even an ounce of sympathy, his hand squeezed again and this time, Lucy's body squirmed uncomfortably.

This was it. It was all over for him. He would die, and Lucy would live her life happily without his manly needs.

He closed his eyes and used his other (less conniving) hand to dramatically wipe away the tear threatening to fall.

_Just do it, Luce. _

But the hit never came.

His eyes opened, and with his hand still in the same position it was before, Natsu felt relieved and slightly suspicious.

As he carefully eyed his wife's (hella) fine body, he couldn't help but grin and quickly swiped away the drop of blood drooling down his nose.

_Still alive! _He thought to himself, feeling a sense of manly pride wash over him.

Oh no. Lord help him—

He was turning into Elfman.

The thought made him shudder but he quickly shook it off and suddenly became refocused on the task at hand…er, _in hand_. Quite literally.

_Thank god Happy isn't here. _He pondered. _Cheeky cat would've ratted me out._

"Mm, Natsu…"

The voice made him freeze, or as he would stubbornly put, _flame_ (he was _waaaay _too cool to be related in any way to that stupid ice-princess's magic).

Lucy stirred in her spot, a frown displayed across her face as she rolled over to face him, pulling the blanket up to cover her more than it already was.

He remained still, too terrified to move. Oh how he wanted to retract his cheeky hand from his majestic wife's boob, but oh how he couldn't.

The next thing he did was completely and utterly stupid—but considering he's Natsu, it's probably expected.

He decided to be a chappy little horny man and use his other hand to grasp the elegant bump atop Lucy's chest, and squeeze—not too hard, but not too gently.

He couldn't stop the drool from falling down his lips, and his ever so enlarging wiener didn't help either!

What was with him tonight?!

Maybe he shouldn't have watched Sex and the City with Gray and Juvia earlier.

_Don't do a Samantha, Natsu! _He told himself.

_Noooo, do a Lucy~! _His horny-half countered.

Natsu grit his teeth, about to squeeze again but then there was a voice.

"Caught in the act,"

"O-Oh my."

"Wohohoho! That's my boy! Mind if _I _get some of that?"

"Wow, what a fucking perv,"

"Juvia wouldn't mind if Gray-sama did that to her!"

"NATSU, GET YOUR HAND OFF LUCY'S BOOBIES!"

With the call of Happy and a group of other familiar's voices, Natsu fell out of bed.

Lucy bounded up in surprise, looking around the room in utter shock when she caught sight of a group of cackling (and some utterly dismayed) voices.

"Wh-What's going on?!" she exclaimed in surprise.

Happy dropped his fish, holding his paw shakily over his mouth before falling over into a fit of laughter like the rest of the mages.

"NATSU LIKES LUCY'S BOOBIES!" he laughed in hysterics.

Lucy felt her body heat up from head to toe and her hands quickly shielded her chest.

Natsu popped up from the other side of the bed, where he had fallen off.

"Of course I do!" he voiced, silencing everyone.

"They're the most beautiful things I have ever laid eyes upon! So firm and round, and _perfectly _soft, too! Who wouldn't like them!?" He pointed an accusing finger at the group. "Bu-But don't _you _all dare like them because," he glomped atop Lucy, shielding her from their stares.

"Because they're mine! And there is no way I'm ever giving them to ANY of you! So deal with it!"

He sent Lucy a smile, and the blonde felt flushed. "Luce, you have the best boobies ever! And it is my job, as your husband, to grab them when I'm feeling down, happy, sad, angry or just down-right horny, cuz I love you and you're amazing! Please don't kill me!"

The room fell silent and Lucy had never felt more awkward.

"U-Um, Natsu…"

"Yes my dear?"

"Your—"

"BWHAHAHAHA! _LOOK,_ NATSU HAS A BONER!"

The laughter continued and the rosy-haired flame wielder glanced down, eyes bulging at the sight of his winky-dink poking into Lucy's thigh.

Lucy blushed, covering her face.

"Well, this isn't how I wanted it…"

END.

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**final notes: **to put it into words, i have no idea what i just wrote, all i know is…i think i just broke my writer's block. uvu

and omg natsu, you fucking donkey.

leave me your **feedback **if you want! i really, really, really, really love hearing from you guys!

bah, bah!


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